


Rock Bottom

by crazyTXgradstudent



Category: Jeffrey Dean Morgan - Fandom, Jeffrey Dean Morgan RPF, Jeffrey Dean Morgan/OFC
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/M, Military, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychotropic Drugs, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-06-12
Updated: 2016-06-25
Packaged: 2018-03-25 19:27:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,471
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3822034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crazyTXgradstudent/pseuds/crazyTXgradstudent





	1. Chapter 1

**_About 10 years ago..._ **

 

He turned the corner, following along the jetway as he pulled his shades down, and his hoodie up over his head.  Another damn airport, another damn opportunity for the damn picture taking assholes to get in his face. He was so not in the mood today. Not that he was any other day, but especially not today.

Today his engagement had finally been called off, and his world had basically gone to shit in a matter of seconds.  He knew it had needed to happen, but shit if it didn't cause a lot of damn headaches for him.  

The tabloids knew before he did - _how the fuck was that possible?_

_Whatever._

All he wanted was a fucking cigarette and a strong drink, neither of which he could have since his next flight was leaving in less than half an hour.

He stepped out of the jetway, breathing a sigh of relief when he saw the airport was practically deserted. Maybe flying into DFW at 1 in the morning wasn’t such a bad idea after all.  He made his way down through the airport to his next gate, and stopped before the huge television advertising flight times.

There in big flashing letters: _Delayed._

Flight 2345 to Seattle delayed for 5 hours.

_5 fucking hours._

With a disgruntled sigh, he turned and made his way over to one of the only places open so late - a bar. At least he could get a drink in here, he hoped.  If he was really lucky, maybe he could get in a smoke, too.

* * *

 

A little over an hour later, he made his way back over to the designated gate. It was still fairly deserted, save for a few people sleeping on the seats, or curled up against the wall. He made his way over to a far corner, hoping to sneak in behind one of the large columns and hide out until it was time to catch the flight.  His brows drew together when he saw the little dog, some kind of schnauzer mix, creeping out from behind the column. Tail wagging, it headed straight for him.

“Hey there,” he smiled as he leaned down and petted the little dog.

The dog - a female - licked his hands and crawled up on his knee. He scooped her up and stood, looking around for the owner.  From behind the column, he could just barely make out a pair of mismatched sock clad feet sticking out, and he headed that direction.

There was a girl, wrapped up in a Saints blanket, huddled over her laptop.  She had headphones in her ears, and she was oblvious to his presence. He stepped closer, the little dog still in his arms.  

“Uhm…excuse me? Miss?” He gently touched the tip of her foot with his boot.  The girl - _no the woman_ \- looked up, her eyes wide as she saw him standing before her.  She quickly pulled off her headphones. 

“Is this your dog?”  He nodded down at the dog in his arms. 

“Oh yes, sorry!  She must have snuck off!” The woman stood, and he noticed she was swaying on her feet, her movements almost jerky.  Her hands trembled as she held them out for her dog. He gently handed the dog back to the woman, a bemused look on his face;  something was off with her, but he couldn’t place it.

Without a word, she sat back down, burying herself back in her blanket and holding the dog to her chest as she pulled her laptop back into her lap.

She didn't recognize him. _Or something._  He really wanted to hide out in the corner, and the dog was cute as shit, and she didn’t recognize him it seemed, so maybe it would be cool?  Besides, there was an outlet _right over there_ , and he needed to charge his own laptop up, as well as his phone.   This was the perfect spot to stay out of sight. 

“Mind if I join you?”

“What?” the woman looked up at him again, and he noticed now just how bloodshot her eyes were.

“Can I sit down?” He nodded at the floor beside her.  The woman just shrugged, and went back to her laptop.  His brows rose when he saw her plug her headphones back in her ears, effectively shutting him out.

_Fucking weird, but he'd take his chances with a non-talkative woman instead of nosy paps any day._

“Okay then,” he mumbled under his breath as he slid down the column and sat on his ass.  

The dog leaped from it’s owner’s arms and crawled back over to him, licking his hands again.  He looked back over at the woman, his curiosity getting the better of him.  He didn’t like to sound so damn conceited, but could she really not know who he was?  His eyes cut down to the laptop, and he caught a glimpse of what she was watching.

It was some kind of video -- a documentary maybe? -- but he clearly saw the words **_“You Can Be Sober”_   **flash across the screen.  He looked up at the woman, taking notice of how frail she seemed.  She was thin, her cheeks gaunt, and her dull eyes were focused on the screen as she gnawed on an already-chewed down fingernail.

“Hey…you alright?” he asked her.  He scooted a few feet away from her, the dog still in his lap, so that he could get a better look at her. 

“What?” she looked up at him again, and he noticed how dilated her pupils were.   Even in the dim light of the airport, they shouldn’t be that blown-wide. Was she high on drugs or something? 

“Ma’am, are you okay?” he asked again. “Do I need to get a doctor or some help?”

“For me?” she giggled to herself as she pulled the headphone out of her left ear.  

She reached down and pulled a small bottle of eye drops out, and dropped a few in each eye.  She wiped away the wetness on her cheeks and around her eyes with the sleeve of her sweatshirt. She blinked a few times, and rubbed her eyes before she met his again.  He could now see that her eyes were a deep, hazel color; almost like a ruddy sunset as they focused on him.   The longer she looked at him, the more they seemed to focus;  she shook her head again, seeming to clear out some of the confusion.  

“No. No, I’m fine.  Just haven’t slept in a few days. That’s all."  She gave him a timid smile.  "Who are you again?”

“I didn’t say…” he hedged as he petted the dog’s wiry hair. “What’s your name?”

“Uh, you first."   She pulled the other headphone out of her ear,  and rolled them up before shoving the set into her pocket.  She closed her laptop, really focusing those eyes on him, and smiled. 

His breath caught.  

When she smiled at him, he noticed just how... _pretty_...she was, even through the pallid skin and sunken cheekbones.  She wasn't a classic, Hollywood-type beauty, but she was really, really pretty in a 'girl-next-door' kinda way. Her eyes, were what drew him in, though.   _Holy fucking shit_.  They'd seemed to clear up even more,  and though they were still somewhat dull, now they had seemed to morph into some kind of brilliant shade of light greenish-brown, rimmed with a darker, almost-ebony color. Maybe it was the light finally hitting them, or the way she'd wrapped the black blanket around her shoulders that brought out the color.   _Something._  Thick lashes framed them, perched atop cheeks that he was sure were full when she wasn't so… _ill looking._

She was still smiling at him, and he noticed she had a dimple on her left cheek.  And freckles.  She had freckles, all across her cheeks and nose, and he just barley hid his grin, knowing how much of a sucker for freckles on a girl he was. 

_Fucking cute._

Her eybrows rose as she waited.

“Uh…Jeff. You can call me Jeff,” he answered gruffly.  He petted the dog, trying to draw his attention away from those freckles...and her full lips that were still turned up in a smile. 

“Cool. I’m Jessica. Friends call me Jessie.” She sat up a little straighter, wrapping the blanket around her shoulders.  Her smile deepened as she nodded down at his lap. “That’s Eddie.”

“But it’s a girl,” Jeff looked down at the dog and then back up at Jessie.  _Was she that crazy?_

She laughed, and he felt his breath catch again at the sound.  It was a breathy, deep, throaty chuckle -- one that he didn't expect to come out of this woman before him.  He found himself grinning again. 

“No shit, Captain Obvious.  I didn't know that when I picked her up, but the previous owners had already named her Eddie.  And I love Pearl Jam, so I just left it.” Jessie reached over and patted Eddie on her head. “I don’t thinks she minds so much, ya know?”

Jeff chuckled as he held up Eddie so that he could get a better look.  The dog licked at his nose, earning another chuckle from him, and a laugh from Jessie.

“Why are you wearing shades in here?” Jessie's freckled nose wrinkled up as she nodded at his getup. “And the hood? Are you hiding from someone?”

“Everyone, actually,” Jeff mumbled. He set Eddie down, but held tight to her leash lest she run off again.

“You famous or something?” Jessie laughed.  Her smile faded as Jeff didn’t join in. “Oh shit. _Are you famous_?”

“A little.” He hedged as he pulled his glasses off, revealing his own hazel-brown eyes.

“Holy shit, you’re John Winchester.” Jessie's hand flew to her mouth. “I mean, you are, aren’t you?”

“Yeah,” Jeff muttered under his breath. “So I guess you watch _Supernatural_ then?”

“Not much else to do where I was at before, so yeah.” Jessie scooped Eddie up and held her in her own lap. “Don’t worry, your secrets are safe with me.”  She gave him a cheeky smile, revealing that dimple again. 

“Good.”  Jeff smiled back, somewhat relieved at least.  He pulled his shades back on and settled back against the column again. 

“You’re gonna die on _Grey’s_ , aren’t ya?” Jessie asked quietly. “I know I shouldnt’ ask, but I can just feel it.  Everyone dies on that fuckin’ show. I don’t even know why I watch it anymore."  She pointed a finger at him in warning.  "You know what, Jeff?  Don't fuckin' tell me.  I might watch it again. I dunno.”

Jeff laughed at not only her observation, but her foul mouth.  It was refreshing, to speak to someone who wasn’t trying to “pretend" around him.  Fuck knows he did that most of the time as it was in his line of work, and everyone else around him did, too.  It was nice to _just be._ Not trying to pretend to be perfect, just being who you are, no matter what.  

“You catching this flight, too? Up to Seattle?” Jessie asked.   Jeff nodded.

“Yeah. Fucker’s delayed for a while though.”

“Snow up there, I think they said.” Jessie looked at her watch. “Still got a few hours, unfortunately.”

“Yeah…” Jeff looked around, relieved to see the gate area was still pretty empty. “I’m gonna go grab a beer.  Wanna come?”

Jessie's entire demeanor changed, the light in her eyes going out as she scooted back away from him. 

Jeff frowned at the sudden change, wondering what he'd done wrong.  What the hell was wrong with her? It was almost as if she were scared, as if he'd threatened her and now she was retreating.   She started shaking her head, and Jeff watched as she pushed her headphones back in her ear and opened her laptop up again.  Just like that, the laughing and joking woman was gone, replaced with the one he'd initially met.

_Fucking weird, all right._

“I guess that’s a no, then,” Jeff mumbled as he stood up.  He handed the leash off to Jessie, before grabbing his things and heading back over to the bar.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Some time later, Jessie was just dozing off when the flight attendant lightly shook her shoulder.

“Excuse me? Ma’am?”

“Uh…yeah?” Jessie looked up, her eyes blurry from lack of sleep.

“I’m sorry to bother you, but the gentleman in first class wanted to see if you would like to sit next to him? He purchased both seats, and one’s not being used.” The flight attendant smiled down at her kindly. “He said to tell you his name was Jeff.  He said you knew him.”

“He does?” Jessie sat up in her chair, yawning loudly around her confusion. “How much longer do we have?”

“It’s a little over 2 hours to Seattle, ma’am.”

“I think I’ll just stay here, if it’s all the same to you,” Jessie smiled again. “Give him my thanks, though.”

The woman looked down at Jessie as if she were bat-shit crazy, before quickly sliding the professional mask back in place.

“Uhm, okay, ma’am. I’ll let him know.” The flight attendant took her leave, and Jessie shut the little light off again.

She shuffled back down in her seat, and stared out the window into the early morning sky. It was still a bit before dawn, so she hoped she could at least catch some sleep before landing.  Besides, the last thing she needed right now was some very handsome -  _very nice -_ movie star to be thinking about.  She had way too much shit going on right now in her head, and there was no room for anything else.  She pulled the small plane out of her pocket, turning it over in her fingers as she tried to calm her mind and relax again. 

  

“Was I that annoying?” Jeff plopped down in the seat next to her, startling Jessie out of her musings. 

"What?" She scooted back against the window in an effort to focus on him.  Was he really sitting in the seat next to her? 

He stared back at her, his grin showcasing a beautiful set of dimples that she’d somehow missed before.   _And perfect fucking white teeth_.  

 

 

Jessie narrowed her eyes on him.  “What do you want?”

“Damn,” Jeff lifted his eyebrows at her tone. “I really _did_ piss you off, didn’t I?”

Jessie sighed, inwardly trying to force herself to calm down.   She knew she was being unreasonable.  He didn’t deserve her rudeness either.

“Look, I got a lot of shit going on right now, okay?”

“We all do,” Jeff countered easily. "Besides, I’m just here for the dog.” He reached down and lifted Eddie’s little carrier from where she was under the seat.

He made little noises at the dog that had Jessie struggling to hide a grin.  For such a big man, he had a sweet air about him, a gentle side that she couldn’t deny she was curious about.  And he was so damn handsome, more than she'd ever really realized on those damn shows.  Without his shades, and hoodie, she could see just how good-looking he was, and it was a little unnerving.  And exciting, truth be told.  

But still, _he_ needed to know the truth about _her_...

“I’m a non-recovered alcoholic.  Like, I’m still an alcoholic.  On my way to rehab.” Jessie stated bluntly.  She waited for Jeff’s reaction with baited breath.

“Well, the ink isn’t even dry on the tabloids reporting about my breakup, and it’s all cause I drink too much and sleep around.  I’m a dick.” He looked over at her and shrugged, waiting for her to one-up him.

“Well, aren’t we a pair?” Jessie grinned as she leaned her head back against the window, and regarded him with narrowed eyes. “They call this a toxic relationship in therapy, you know.”

“Is this a relationship?” Jeff chuckled as he leaned his seat back, rolling his head so that he could stare back at her.   _Yeah._  She was fucking cute alright, especially when he saw that second dimple appear in her other cheek at his cheesy attempt at humor. 

Jessie shrugged, biting at her lower lip through her giggle. 

“Not yet, but give it fuckin’ time, right?” Jeff quipped with another easy grin.

“I generally try to avoid picking up dudes on my way to rehab.” Jessie did her best to remain deadpan; as much as it pained her to admit it, she liked picking with Jeff.  He was quick, and witty, and didn’t shy away from her shit.

“First time for everything.” Jeff’s grin remained in place, although it faltered a little when Jessie turned away from him.

“Uhmm, no actually this is my second shot at rehab; finish it or go to jail probably.  Definitely lose my job if I don't make it this time.”  Jessie looked out the window, her tone no longer teasing. She flinched when Jeff reached over and lightly squeezed her forearm.

“It’s gotta be tough. I can’t even imagine.” _He really couldn’t imagine._   While he had problems with drinking, and smoking, and just generally fucking around, he wasn’t addicted. At least, not as far as he knew.  Going to rehab was some scary shit.  He unfortunately knew too many people - colleagues, friends even - that struggled with addiction.  

“Yep. Lost my job, everything.  A nice career, thrown away.  My family hates me, my friends have deserted me.”

“I’m sure they don’t hate you, Jessie," Jeff tried to reassure her. Feeling odd, he removed his hand from her arm, and tucked it back against his side.

“No, believe me, they do,” Jessie replied. She continued staring out the window. The despondence was clear in her voice now.

“Well, we've got two hours. Wanna talk about it?” Jeff asked softly.  Why he felt the need to talk to this complete stranger was beyond him; he was typically a loner, and tended to avoid people, at least on any kind of deep level.   _Very strange._

“Shit,” Jessie snorted, but Jeff could hear the tremor in her voice busting a hole right through her bravado. “That’s not enough time for anything.”

“I’ll go first,” Jeff leaned back, pushing his seat back a little farther as he turned his body to her;  his chin rested in his hand.

“I was engaged for a little more than a year. I fucked around the entire time...I admit it.  I drink a shit ton, and I smoke like a chimney.  I bought a bunch of motorcycles, a few houses, lots of boy toys, ya' know?  I take off at the drop of a dime.  Basically, I’m an asshole that let this celebrity bullshit go to my head, and now I’m paying for it.”

Curiousity peaked, Jessie looked at him out of the corner of her eyes. “Did you love her? Your fiancé?”

“I think so. You know what actually? Fuck, if I know. I think I loved myself more, and that sounds fuckin' shitty, right?” Jeff chuckled without humor.

“Not really. You should hear what my family said about me. They don’t know the whole story.” Jessie offered up quietly. “I’m sorry about your fiancee.”

“Yeah, well, it is what it is, you, know? Fuck it, right?” Jeff shrugged, but Jessie could see it affected him still.

“My turn, I guess.” Jessie shifted her seat, adjusting Eddie’s cage on the floor before she started talking.  Jeff waited patiently.

“Uhm, I was in the Army.  We deployed, and there was…sexual harassment going on.  I didn’t handle it… _properly._   I got relieved, like I basically got fired.  The soldier tried to...well, I uhh...I didn’t help her, you know?” Jessie's voice had dropped down to just above a whisper. “I got moved to a different unit while the investigation dragged on for over a year. During that time, I started drinking.  And popping pills.  Anything I could get my hands on, I took it.”

Jeff sat up in his seat, completely shocked at what he heard.

“Yeah, so, the Army found out what I was doing. They sent me to rehab.  I tried to kill myself.” Jessie held up her hand, revealing a long, thin scar running along the underside of her wrist. Her lips flattened into a grimace. “I fucked that up too, obviously.” 

“Damn,” Jeff murmured.  

“Yeah.  So I got kicked out of that rehab.  Now, I'm on my way to my last chance, and if I fail out of this, or fuck up in any way, I'm pretty much done.” Jessie looked back out the window.  The sun was just beginning to rise in the sky, the golden hues shining out over the clouds as they approached the city.

“My dad is sick -- _like in the head, sick_ \-- so I can’t go home. He’s retired military, so I’m pretty much a loser in his eyes.  Mom is just as bad.” Jessie turned to him, a resigned smile on her face; she’d accepted her fate.  “So, this is my last ditch effort to go to rehab and get my shit straight.  Maybe save my career somehow.  I don't know.”

Jeff said nothing.  He didn’t know what to say, or how to say _it_ , whatever _it_ was. He was at a loss for words.

“I look like shit cause I’m withdrawing for the eighty millionth time.  I had a drink less than 24 hours ago, and I’m feeling like shit. I doped myself up on dramamine in the hopes that I could sleep. That's why I looked so out of it earlier.”  She shrugged.  “But I can’t sleep, so whatever.  Basically I feel like I’m losing my mind.  My skin is crawling, and I want nothing more than to jump out of this fucking plane and end it all.  Every time that fucking drink cart comes by, I feel like I’m gonna have a panic attack.  I just don’t wanna do this anymore.”

“Cause I fucked with you,” Jeff surmised, thinking about earlier when he’d asked her to get a drink. “I’m sorry.”

“How could you know?” Jessie asked softly.

“I’m really, really sorry," Jeff stated again.

“Stop fucking saying that please,” Jessie shook her head at him; her lips were pursed indicating her aggravation. “I hate people feeling sorry for me. I did this to myself, so no one needs to feel sorry for that shit.”  She pinched the bridge of her nose, her jaw tensed in frustration. 

They both sat in silence for a few moments; Jessie was pissed again, and Jeff had no idea what to say. The only sound was the air blowing out from the little vent overhead, and the occasional alert to put buckle your seatbelt. The small amount of people on the plane were either absorbed in their laptops or sleeping, making the small space she and Jeff occupied way too quiet for just the two of them. 

“It’s awkward now, huh?” Jessie finally spoke, a wry grin on her face.

“A little, yeah,” Jeff chuckled uncomfortably.

“Well, we’re about to land,” Jessie nodded up at the flight attendant.  The woman was making her way down the aisle, informing everyone to buckle up and put their trays up.

“Is that my cue to go back to my seat?” Jeff asked playfully;  he tried to draw Jessie back out with humor, but it didn't work.  She'd already gone back into that place she retreated to before. 

“It was nice to meet you, Jeff,” Jessie held her hand out.  Jeff placed his in hers, and they shook, the uncomfortable smiles still in place.

“You too, Jessie” Jeff stood up, and smoothed out his jeans.  With a final smile, he made his way back down the aisle and disappeared up into first class.

Jessie watched him go, and then turned her gaze back to the window.  

It was a shame, really.  Of all the times to meet Jeffrey Dean Morgan - _or any celebrity for that matter!_ \- she had to go and do it when she was strung out on drugs and alcohol, and on her way to rehab.   _Again._  She couldn’t look more shitty if she tried, that was for sure.   Eddie yelped in the seat next to her, drawing Jessie's eyes down.  She picked up the dog carrier and smiled in at her dog.  

"We're almost there, girl."  Jessie reached inside and pet the dog as the plane started to make it's descent.  

A few more hours, and Eddie would be on her way to her temporary home, while Jessie would be on her way to hers.  

 


	3. Chapter 3

“Hey,” the deep voice dragged Jessie out of her musings.   Jeff dropped down in the chair opposite her, that signature smile in place again.  

“I just can’t get rid of you, can I?” Jessie teased as she sipped on her coffee, all the while trying to avoid looking at him head-on.  That smile of his was something else, and the more she saw it, the more it did weird shit to her stomach.  She was waiting for her rental car to be ready so that she could drive to the rehab facility, and she had thought she was tucked away enough to avoid most people.  Apparently not...

“I’m obnoxious like that,” Jeff waggled his eyebrows playfully. “Whatcha’ waiting on?”

“My ride. You?”

“Honestly? I wanna talk to you a bit more.” Jeff shrugged his shoulders. “I saw you at the rental counter, and I followed you over here.”

Jessie nearly spit her drink out at his words.

“ _Me?_ Why would you wanna talk to me? Did you miss the part where I said I was an addict, and on my way to rehab?”

“No. No, I heard that.” Jeff continued grinning.

“And still?” Jessie stared back at him in confusion. She still looked like a bag lady, so why in the hell would this gorgeous man wanna waste time with her?

“Still.” That grin was still in place, dimples and all. “It’s fucking weird, isn’t it?”

“I’m trouble,” Jessie shook her head at him. “Lots of trouble.” _Truer words had never been spoken._

Jeff leaned forward, his chin propped up on his palm as he stared back at her.

“I’m good with trouble. I fuckin' like it actually.”

“You’re crazy,” Jessie mumbled as she sipped on her coffee again. He was too damn distracting with those beautiful eyes of his. His lashes were thick, and she felt unnerved when he stared at her like that... _like he was doing right now._

“I’ve been accused of that, too.” Jeff laughed, a deep belly laugh that had him rocking back in his chair. He crossed his arms over his wide chest, and tilted his head at her.

Now he looked like a cross between a damn puppy dog and a bear cub; Jessie narrowed her eyes at him.  Jeff chuckled again.

“Just come hang out with me for a while? The days’ half done anyways, and it’s snowing like fuckin' crazy.” He looked out the window, and then back at her. . “You ever driven in snow before?”

“I’m from Grand Isle, Louisiana, so no,” Jessie admitted, a bit sheepishly.  Never in her life had she ever even seen snow, to be honest. And that shit piled up against the glass windows was a bit daunting, to say the least.

“So I can take you to where you need to go, then. I’m from Seattle, so I’m good. I can be your chauffeur.” He winked at her, damn him.

“I bet,” Jessie huffed. Her coffee was getting cold, only adding to her anxiety and aggravation.

“No funny business, I promise.” Jeff held his hands up in appeasement. “We can go to my place, or wherever. Just for a few hours.”

“But why?” Jessie finally asked. “What could you of all people possibly find interesting about me?”

Jeff leaned forward, his brown eyes intent on her.

“Honestly, I don’t fuckin' know. There’s just something different about you, and I wanna get to know you better.” He reached over and grabbed her free hand in his. “If I say please, will that make a difference?”

“No funny business?” Jessie asked suspiciously.  She pulled her hand from his, uncomfortable with the intimacy. 

“No funny business whatsoever. I won’t even smile,” Jeff promised as he dramatically wiped the smile off his face. “Mr. Serious, all the way.”

Jessie narrowed her eyes at him, but couldn't hide the grin that tugged at her lips.  

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

  
A few hours of funny business later found Jeff and Jessie laying side by side in his bed. Things had definitely gone sideways, and Jessie didn’t know what she was feeling. The sex was incredible - _would sex with Jeffrey Dean Morgan not be??_ \- but now she was feeling extreme guilt.  And ashamed.  And completely disgusted with herself, for multiple reasons.

All she wanted to do was leave.  Get her clothes on leave.

The sadness wasn’t helping, either.  Jeff was actually a really nice, really sweet guy. Way different than she’d expected. He was gentle with her, and encouraging, and not pushy in the least.

But…she’d had a drink.  

She hadn’t wanted to, not really.  

 _No, that was a lie_ ; she couldn’t and wouldn’t blame it on Jeff.  She knew what she was doing the moment she’d gotten in his car. They had first driven to meet her friend at a local coffee shop so that Eddie could be dropped off.  After that, they’d driven to Jeff’s small house up near Discovery Park; small was an understatement. While it wasn’t huge, it was way more house than she could ever get used to. Once inside, Jeff had popped the top off of a beer, before realizing what he’d done. He apologized profusely, but Jessie had shushed him as she grabbed the beer out of his hand and brought it to her lips.  She could still taste the bittersweet taste of it on her lips.

“Going to rehab tomorrow, right? I should be celebrating tonight!”

Jeff had tried to dissuade her from drinking, but Jessie was having none of it, and before long, they were both completely smashed and high on weed, which ultimately ended them up in bed together.  She should have known better.  Even though she was awake now, she knew she was still drunk. She could feel the effects of the alcohol in her system, dragging her down, and making her waffle between crying and laughing.  At least she wasn’t at the throwing up part yet. Nope, that lovely shit would come later.

“Where’d you go?” Jeff asked quietly. He tapped on her forehead with a long finger.

“I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” Jessie whispered.  Why the fuck was she about to start crying?? She barely knew this man!

“What did we do?” Jeff broke out in a sloppy grin.  He was obviously still drunk, too, and most likely still high from whatever they'd smoked earlier.   “Well, other than that, I mean!”

“I’m being serious,” Jessie continued. “I tend to…get too attached in things like this. So I just don’t do things like this.”

“Would it so bad to be attached to me?” Jeff asked, all joking aside. Jessie couldn’t meet his eyes, for she surely would start crying.

“I have problems. Serious problems. I’m not well.” She wiped at her eyes with a sniffle. “I’m really, really not a good person, Jeff.”

Without a word, Jeff pulled her to his chest and hugged her tightly. HIs lips rested at her forehead as he pressed a tender kiss against her skin.

“Okay, sweetie,” Jeff murmured. “I’m sorry I pushed you, okay? ”

“I need to get to the facility.” Jessie pushed herself out of his arms and sat up, clutching the blanket at her bare chest as she crawled off the bed. Her eyes were wary, wide with fear and uncertainty as she covered her nakedness. “I’m gonna do something stupid, so I need to get there now. I don’t know how much more stupid I could get, but I’m sure I can find a way to do just that. I just need to get out of here.”  She looked around the room, almost frantically trying to find some way to escape. 

“Jess, babe, come back to bed, okay?” Jeff reached his hand out to her.  He had sobered up himself, if only for the moment. “Please? It’s nearly midnight, the center is probably not open now, anyway. We’ll go first thing in the morning. Just…just come back to bed, okay?”

       

  
Jessie nibbled on her lip with indecision. She knew he was right, though. Check-in time had to be before 4pm, and it was well past that time now. She would have to wait till tomorrow, no matter where she went tonight. Her gaze traveled around the room again, before it landed back on Jeff.  He was still there, still reaching for her. Still trying to help.   
   
“Jess? Sweetie? Come back to bed, okay? We can talk this out.”

With a sigh, Jessie crawled back in bed and lay down. She didn’t move toward Jeff, and he didn’t reach for her this time. He lay back down on his side, his eyes warm as he stared at her.

“I’m sorry if I made things worse.” His deep voice was quiet, heavy with regret.  She could see just how he felt in his eyes, and _she_ felt guilty that _he_ felt guilty.   _What a fucking mess._

“You didn’t.” Jessie gave him a weak smile, before averting her gaze.  He made it hard to look at; he was too damn nice, and his gentleness made her wanna cry. And she was still fucking drunk. Right now was right about the time she started spouting off words she didn’t mean, like ‘I love you’s’ and shit.… “I think we’re both in weird places, and I knew this wasn’t a great idea, but it’s not your fault anymore than it is mine.”

“I hope you get things worked out, Jess,” Jeff continued in his gentle tone. He turned and flopped over on his back, one arm resting across his eyes.

Feeling uncharacteristically bold, Jessie scooted over and pressed herself into his side. She needed his warmth. Not in a sexual way, but in a way that one human needed another human.  She felt so alone, and she just didn’t want to feel that way anymore. She was terrified of rehab, and she was terrified that she would fail again. What would she do then? She had no one, had nowhere to go if she flunked out again. This was her last chance.

“I’m sorry, Jeff.” Jessie whispered sadly. She really was sorry.

Jeff reached down and grabbed her hand, pulling it across his chest and tucking it at his side as he wrapped his arm about her shoulder.  

“Don’t be, sweetheart.” He kissed her on her temple. “Get some rest. I’ll take you there as soon as they open, okay?”

* * *

Jeff woke up a few hours later to an empty bed. He sat up, his eyes dry and gritty from too much alcohol and smoking. As he rolled out of bed, he heard the retching come from the bathroom, and everything came crashing back down on him.  All the drinking, all the smoking...all the fucking sex.  Jesus, but he had to piss!  He stumbled over an empty tequila bottle as he made his way to the bathroom to check on Jessie.  He pushed the door open, and stumbled inside.  

Jessie was there, laying on her back, with vomit coming from her mouth, and dribbling down the sides of her face. Jeff ran to her, and flipped on her side, and Jessie immediately started breathing better, even as she continued throwing up.  Panicked, Jeff pushed her hair out of the way and held her as she emptied her stomach.  After a few moments, she finally stopped heaving, and with a shaky breath, Jeff lay her gently on the floor so that he could get a wet washrag from the bathroom closet.  He went back to the sink to wet it, and it was then that he saw the empty pill bottle. His hands started shaking in earnest as his heart pounded in his chest with fear. 

“Fuck!” He whispered in horror.  A whole fucking bottle of old Zoloft was nearly empty, and laying in the sink.  An empty beer bottle was also there, the dark, amber liquid that had leaked out causing the remaining little blue pills to bleed into the sink.

“Oh fuck! _Oh fuck!_ ” Jeff whispered again as he rushed back over to Jessie.  She was so fucking pale, and when he felt her pulse, it was weak, just barely detectable by his trembling finger.  He quickly ran and grabbed his cell phone and dialed 911.

He held Jessie until the EMT’s showed up, rocking her back and forth, all the while praying to God and cursing himself for his stupidity.

 

 

 

 


	5. Chapter 5

**_  Present Day - Austin, TX                                             _** 

_**25 April 2006**_

**_It’s been about 23 hours since I had my last drink, but I can't be sure.  I hate it here.  I want to leave.  I was drunk when I arrived. I binged in the hospital bathroom before I came.  I was told I threw up in the van on the ride over from the hospital.  I don't even know how I got to the hospital, to be honest.  I'm sure it was Jeff, but I don't want to think about that.  That’s embarrassing, but nobody’s mentioned it to me.  So whatever.  I’m supposed to write in this journal.  My therapist said so.  She wants to know what I like about alcohol. That’s a joke, because I don’t like it.  I love it and I hate it all at the same time.  I love the way it feels when it burns going down my throat.  Right now, my hands are shaking and all I can think is that if I had a drink, the shaking would stop.  They gave me some meds to help with withdrawal, but all they do is make me sleepy.  They're so stupid. It's a klonipin.  They don't know that I have used those many times to get high.  I still want alcohol.  Maybe if I had more meds, I could take them all and sleep forever.  When I drink I don’t see the faces. They can’t touch me and I can’t feel them.  Right now, they’re coming back.  I will probably dream about them tonight. I'll dream about her.  I hate the screaming the most.  If I could make the screaming stop, everything would be better.  I wish I had finished what I started.  I wish I wasn’t here.  I wish I had courage to walk out of here.  I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.  I hate being alive._ **

The conference room was silent. 

A few people were openly crying.  Others were shifting uncomfortably in their seats.

“Any thoughts on that?” Jessie  looked up at the slide on the screen and then turned back to stare out at the crowd.  She waited patiently with an expectant smile. It never failed to garner this muted response; it had always silenced a room for as long as she'd been sharing it.  Some were openly crying, while others were nervously doodling in their notebooks.  

_“It’s heartbreaking,”_ one said.

_“So sad,”_ said another.

_“I can feel their pain deeply. I hope they are okay, wherever they are,”_ another said. 

Jessie leaned up against the podium and smiled out at the crowd.

“That is my journal.  I wrote that...what 9-10 years ago? I was ordered to attend rehab by the military, failed out the first time, and by some miracle, I actually made it to a facility in Seattle.” She pointed up at the slide again. “Had I not gotten the treatment I did, I would not be standing here today.  I can guarantee that.”

More hushed mumblings of shock from the crowd.

“I share this not to shock you, but to show you what an addict looks like.  I was a high-functioning addict.  I was a captain in the Army, on track to become a major. I operated at a brigade level, and oversaw multiple operations,  and even deployed quite a few times.” She sat down on the stool behind the podium and leaned over it, a hand placed under chin. “During this time, I popped adderall like it was candy – _anything to keep me awake_ – and drank myself into oblivion nightly.  If I could get my hands on a klonopin, I threw that in the mix as well.”

More hushed stares.

“But I did my job, and I did it well. Well, to an extent, but we'll discuss that later.  Again, my point is not to shock you, but to show you that anyone can be a walking addict, and you may never know. We pass by people on a daily basis, with no idea of what kind of demons they are facing.  They walk right past us.” Jessie nodded as a hand raised. “Yes?”

“So you dropped out of rehab the first time?” A nameless face called from the crowd.  Jessie smiled indulgently.

“ _Dropped out?_ Kicked out was more like it,” Jessie openly admitted. “I wasn’t ready.  It wasn’t until I was lying in a hospital room, my wrists bandaged from my third attempt at suicide,” she held her hands up to show her more-visibly scarred wrists, “that I realized I’ve gotta stop trying to kill myself.  I got an offer from a facility in Seattle, and I still don’t know how it came about that a spot opened up.  I am only grateful that God, or whoever, saw fit for me to deserve a second chance.”

Jessie switched the slides off and turned back to the crowd as she looked at her watch.

“So, with that being said, let’s take a….2 hour lunch?  Sound good to you guys?  I think we all need a break after winding down with that."   The crowd mumbled and nodded in agreement.   "Alright guys! Be back at 2:15 and we’ll get ready to go into our practicum.  Make sure you have someone to eat lunch with, and take care of yourselves.  I know this is tough material to cover.”

She waited around at the podium to answer a few lingering questions, and prepared her notes for the second half of class. When the room was finally cleared out, she closed down her laptop and shoved it in her messenger bag, and headed out to grab lunch.

"You ready?"  Amy, a fellow therapist and her assistant for the day, called as Jessie walked up to her.

"Yep.  Where we going?" Jessie asked with a smile.

"It's your call, Jess,"  Amy replied easily, and Jessie rolled her eyes playfully as they walked out into the sunshine. 

"Well, whatever we're gonna do, I need to get some coffee after!" Jessie forced a laugh.  This part of the workshop never failed to drain her both mentally and emotionally.  All the splotchy memories that she still couldn't recall, all the emotions of that time, it all still bothered her.  She didn't let it show too often, but it bothered her.  She was still really, really pissed, way deep down inside, and she could only hope that one day she would get over it.  One day it would make sense why things had happened the way they did. 

"Okay let's go to that taco place, and then we can get coffee on the way back."  Amy spoke, pulling Jessie back out of her memories.   

"Oh yeah, cause tacos and coffees go so great together, right?"  Jessie joked as the headed down the sidewalk.

"It's Austin.  We're weird here, don't ya know?"

"Boy do I!"  Jessie was just now finally getting the hang of Austin.  It was a unique city, much different from anywhere else she'd lived.   She smiled as the passed by the familiar man playing a guitar on the street corner, and Jessie dropped her customary dollar in his hat. 

"Thanks, Ms. Jessie Lou!" the man called out to her.

"You're welcome, Sean!" Jessie called back with a smile.  Sean was the only one that could get away with calling her that. 

She'd seen Sean every morning for the past six months, and they'd quickly become friends.  She didn't know if he was truly homeless or not;  he was just always there, always playing his guitar with a smile on his face. She'd come to look forward to seeing him everyday; his joy for life was infectious, and she needed that - however it came.  She was quickly on her way to falling in love with this city, and Sean was one of the many reasons why. 

The quirkiness, the "weirdness" that was Austin, was exactly what she needed. 

 

 

 


End file.
